I have not
ceased being fearful,
but I have ceased to let fear control me.
I have accepted fear as a part of life -
specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown;
and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says:
turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far.
but I have ceased to let fear control me.
I have accepted fear as a part of life -
specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown;
and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says:
turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far.
I haven’t written a
blog post in a couple of months because I was changing and renovating my house,
mind, body and soul. I was also trying to determine what I really want my blog
to be. I started this blog to provide inspiration for others based on my
experience. I wanted to share the things I go through as a parent, divorcee and
full time working mother and I really couldn’t get the vibe that I wanted so I
decided to some renovations and make changes. I have a new direction for my
blog and for my life.
In next few blog entries
I will be sharing my journey of Changes & Renovation over the last 2
months.
The catalyst for the
changes and renovations was that I had a life altering moment when I thought
that I was going to go blind. I was having difficulty driving at night and then
it moved into the day. Everything was blurry around me and it was progressively
getting worse by the day. I was having trouble focusing because of the blurry
vision and it was causing several migraines a day. It got to the point where I
had stopped driving at day or night unless I really had to. Thank God for my
parents because they were able to help me with my daughter in terms of pick up
and drop off because I didn’t trust myself to drive with her in the car.
This situation was
also affecting my job because I was so stressed out and scared about what was
going on with me that I couldn’t focus and was making small stupid mistakes. My
career is very important to me and I didn’t want to screw it up so, I made the
tough decision to go out on short term disability in order to deal with my
vision issue and migraines. So I started calling and scheduling appointments with
as many Specialists as possible to get answers to the blurry vision and
migraines.
After several appointments
with various Eye Specialists and Neurologists, I was eventually told that I
needed to be seen by a Neuro-Ophthalmologist. However; that appointment was a
month and half out, so there was no point in going back to work until I was
able to see the specialist.
During this time, I was
not only scared but became depressed. I was always independent and work was so
important to me and now I felt that those things were taken from me and had a
spiral effect on the rest of my life including being a mother. I had to have
people drive me around, pick up my daughter and I couldn’t go to work.
I decided that I should
go and see a therapist during this time, because I needed an outlet and I didn’t
want to get into a deep depression…been there and done that before and I didn’t
want to add depression to the list because I need to focus on trying to figure
out what was going to with my vision.
Some people think
that if anyone goes to see a “Therapists, Counselors, Psychologists, and Psychiatrists”
that there is “something wrong with them.”(*eyebrow raise* and *sideways look*).
That couldn’t be far
from the truth. These professionals are
there as an independent, unbiased individuals that provide guidance and
assistance for people for various reasons and at different points in their life
when they are going through difficult times or just for an ear that is willing
to listen and not judge.
During those weeks
of waiting for my appointment seeing my therapists was the best thing I could
have done. It gave me an outlet to vent, to cry, to share my fears, “what ifs”
and kept me positive and focused. Through my sessions I realized and came to
terms that regardless of the outcome of the Neuro-Ophthalmologist I would
confront it head on and was strong enough to endure and preserve.
Finally after weeks
of waiting it was time. The appointment with the Neuro-Ophthalmologist last 4
hours and the result was……I have an extreme sensitivity to light both natural
and unnatural.
Whew!!! Okay so the
next question obviously is…what can I do about it? The Doctor advised that I need
to purchase anti-reflective glasses. No prescription was necessary because my
vision was just about 20/20 minus the light sensitive. It took everything out
of me to fight the tears. I was sooo thankful to God that I wasn’t
going blind and the solution was simple (yet expensive).
I am happy to say
that I am doing well and no more blurry vision or migraines!
This one event
regarding my vision caused a chain reaction in my life that involved changes
and renovations during the months I was out of work and caused me to take pause
to revamp my blog direction.
Hopefully you will
follow my series as share my story of change and renovation and find some inspiration.
It will be about divorce, parenting, making a home, relationships, Spirituality
and how to deal with those challenges and how I overcame all of them, to find a
place of calm and peace.
